#102 - Should I Make a Request or Express a Desire? (For Women)

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By Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW, Vicki Tidwell Palmer, and LCSW. Discovered by Player FM and our community — copyright is owned by the publisher, not Player FM, and audio is streamed directly from their servers. Hit the Subscribe button to track updates in Player FM, or paste the feed URL into other podcast apps.

Women, do you fully understand the difference between making a request and expressing a desire? The concept of expressing a desire as an alternative to making a request is a relatively new one for me, and I want to explore it with you in depth today. I’ll give you some guidelines and suggestions that will help you understand both and learn to use whichever works best for your situation.

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #102:

  • Requests are always questions, and there are three possible responses: yes, no, or a negotiated alternative. It will serve you to train your ear to hear whether someone is actually making a request, which requires a question.
  • Laura Doyle introduced me to the concept of “expressing desires in a way that inspires.” When expressing a desire, it needs to be a pure desire — about what you want, and does not include a "you" or "we," either directly or indirectly.
  • Expressing a desire must also include detaching from the outcome. You may or may not receive the desire you expressed.
  • If an issue ranks at or above a 7/10 in terms of importance or is about your safety, a request is a better fit than expressing a desire.

Highlights from Episode #102:

  • Welcome to this episode! Vicki talks about what she’ll cover, and reminds listeners to visit her ongoing 30-day Facebook Live series. She also mentions her team at Pro Podcast Solutions, and announces that Beyond Bitchy is now available on Spotify! [00:39]
  • Vicki talks about the concept for today’s episode, where it came from, and how it relates to gender roles and potentially same-sex relationships. [03:29]
  • Making a request is part of Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier. Vicki digs into this in more depth, and talks about how requests function. [06:04]
  • In order to be really successful with making requests, you need to have some credit in your relationship “bank account.” [13:54]
  • Vicki shifts into talking about expressing desires, a concept she got from Laura Doyle. [15:44]
  • What are the rules and guidelines for expressing desires in a way that inspires? [20:42]
  • Vicki shares a personal story as an example of expressing a desire not having a specific outcome. [25:34]
  • We learn how to tell when to make a request instead of expressing a desire. [29:07]

Links and Resources:

116 episodes