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First, let me be clear: if you are actively saving your marriage, working toward a better relationship... stop reading and go do something else! This won't apply to you!But if you want to save your marriage... but for some reason, you just can't get moving... hang with me! YOU are the one that will benefit from this episode. That "some reason" is w…
 
No, this isn't some electrical engineering idea. Instead, it has more to do with human nature.We often want to find the switch, the on/off switch for some situation. Turn off stress by doing this, turn on fitness by doing this. On or off. With a switch.This causes us to be looking for some super-easy, simple solution... often to complex issues. Par…
 
"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before?A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish.It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both peop…
 
It's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.)You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too!What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced …
 
I've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once.A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart.You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and ov…
 
Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage?Yes.These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage.I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoi…
 
Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marria…
 
Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection.Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection,…
 
Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working!Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it!But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To kee…
 
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away resp…
 
I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits.Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the bl…
 
Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start).It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear.That fear can keep …
 
As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question.In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and…
 
Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”?I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted the…
 
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the m…
 
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold?Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage?During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, t…
 
For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility.Why?There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers.Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and …
 
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT…
 
“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage.Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble.Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a gr…
 
Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel.Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings.In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way.Unfortunate…
 
Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week.What happened?…
 
You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You're proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn't buying.For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes!Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has al…
 
We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing.Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected …
 
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.And it knocks you down.Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.But are y…
 
What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like?Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection?Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want?That is the question pos…
 
In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode.But then, there…
 
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different.Somewhere better.It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way.Many times, people thin…
 
You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away.It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back.…
 
We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen.So what will we make happen?I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two…
 
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new…
 
Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds.And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships.Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we a…
 
Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next.When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action.And things continue in the downward spiral.So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you…
 
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.When a couple is connected, they remember connectio…
 
You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe …
 
Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?Right??Nope. Just another marriage lie.Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simpl…
 
If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right?Right?No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict.That is the dange…
 
A spouse should complete you… right?Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right?And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right?Wrong.In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this…
 
“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?"He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forw…
 
Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall.Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall.First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success.Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that yo…
 
No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title.Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG.But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck.But alive!And that is what the brain regist…
 
A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love.I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?"And ther…
 
“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion.Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page.There is no such action a…
 
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?Not so fast.Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does …
 
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!)You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is act…
 
“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought….I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Shou…
 
Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship.But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy.Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy.Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy?B…
 
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup.But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. B…
 
“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing.When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matte…
 
"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect?Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue.In his work…
 
Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses.It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voi…
 
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